Friends,
As we head into a holiday season, I’m almost a little embarrassed to share that last night, before I fell asleep, I found myself Googling “How to navigate family conflict during the holidays.”
As I perused the different articles (and there were many), they started to have familiar themes; try to avoid conversations that will trigger conflict, monitor alcohol or substance use, take breaks if you need to. This information all seemed pretty straight forward, but what I really was searching for and what my heart needed answers to, was how as parents, do we encourage our kids that it’s important to have boundaries – but then ask them to put those boundaries aside and come to family dinner.
It’s always interesting to me how we, and Hallmark, can trumpet the idea that family conflict magically falls away during holidays, so that everyone can sit around a glorious table (with seating more strategically placed than a competitive chess game), jovial laughter and turkey aplenty, and then resume the pain and anger once that holiday has passed. As I write now, my mind is grappling with the idea that eating Kraft Dinner out of the pot while watching Netflix is profoundly more appealing than contemplating whether to attend the family dinner or not.
I will say that one of the articles expressed a simple tidbit of knowledge on how to weather celebrations when conflict is present. It simply read “Lower your expectations.” Brilliant, I thought to myself. That is absolutely brilliant.
Over the years, I have missed a great many family celebrations because of pain and conflict. My soul was hurt and angry and I didn’t see myself as capable of being present and pretending that what happened that caused the conflict, never happened. In my mind, there was no rug big enough to sweep the situation under and I felt that it was better to stay away than to risk an ugly, nasty blow up.
I suppose it was a form of protest. I felt that I was owed an apology, or an explanation at least, a perspective I dug my heels in for. And through that my kids missed so many opportunities to be with their cousins. In my situation, I was angry with my father for decisions made that impacted so much of my life and, with the apple not falling far from the tree in terms of my stubbornness rivaling his, we each stood stoic in the absence of myself and my family from celebrations. Christmases, Thanksgivings; so many years passed and I held out for the apology and ownership I needed to hear, before I would attend family gatherings again.
Cancer ended my father’s life when he was in his mid-fifties, and that apology I waited so long for? It came, when he asked me to come into his room the day before he died, and he said he was sorry. He explained, his body frail and his words quiet and slow, that he understood why I had been angry all those years. And he died the next day. I can say that the apology I had waited so long for, the reason I missed so many family events and altered the relationships my kids would have with their aunts, uncles and cousins, wasn’t worth the wait. I had kept myself wrapped in the comfort and familiarity of the anger and pain I carried for years and was unwilling to shed that heaviness, until my dad was gone and the decision to let it go was made for me.
In my own family now, there is a conflict. It’s funny to me that I thought I would never have a situation of conflict like my Dad and I had, because I would be sure that didn’t happen once I had kids. And there I was, Googling how to navigate family conflict. I will be embarrassingly honest and share that I even caught myself about to say to one of my kids: “You know, I won’t be around forever to enjoy having my family all together…” I wanted my desire to have all my kids present at family dinners to matter more than the boundaries one of my kids had put in place for themselves.
I reflected on the idea that we raise our kids to have self respect and strength, and yet we hope they over-step those very things during the holidays. I wanted to understand how we navigate this difficult scenario, while still loving every kid the same and not unintentionally choosing anyone over anyone else. And how do we, as parents, navigate that pain? Surely Google would know.
When I contemplate Google’s pearl of wisdom about lowering expectations, I find myself thinking about what I can live with, over holidays, that is supportive and healthy for my family. And their families. What does that look like and how can I do it? I want for them what most of us want – for our kids to know they are all loved unconditionally, whether they make it to Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner or not. That their boundaries matter and that, although it’s difficult for us to navigate, we hope someday they can work it out so that their families can have each other.
Maybe it means less emphasis on family being all together on the big holidays and more time spent in other ways. I’m still reading through the articles, so I haven’t arrived upon the answer to how we get through family conflict over the holidays. But I can say that, judging by the many articles online, many families are trying to find their way through this very thing. This is real life.
And I might just have lots of reading to do during these upcoming holidays, as I curl up on the couch and eat that Kraft Dinner out of the pot.
Take good care of each other, friends.
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Andrea Charest is the director of the Listowel It Takes A Village location.
